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Before we begin any chapter of this book, we would like to introduce ourselves to you. We vary a lot. But only as Americans we are the same.

With a few exceptions we are usually chubby. One out of every three American children is obese or overweight. Some of our women who lay on their backs and keep on producing babies are fatter than hippos. We are proud to have 42-year old Donna Simpson of New Jersey as the fattest woman in the world as an American. She weighs 600 pounds. She is expected to exceed 1000 pounds soon. Another person in Hempstead, Long Island was so fat that when he died the authorities could not carry his body through any door in the house. So they cut a large opening in the side of the house and brought out the body.

We like to be young forever. Even us couch potatoes want to look young. It is not possible. Time is against us. So we try to look young. In the year 2010 we will be spending $ 7,000,000,000 (yes, 7 billion dollars) to look young.

We are not selfish. We care about our fellow men and fellow women. Let the weather bureau predict a storm. You rush to the supermarket for bread, eggs, milk and toilet tissues. Of course you will not find them. They have been gobbled. Of course somewhere some volunteers will be serving the disadvantaged and homeless hot meals and drinks for free.

Let the weather bureau predict heavy snowfall. Same thing happens. Shovels develop wings and fly off to sunny Arizona. Rock salt just evaporates. Kids will demand more money just in case they are willing to shovel snow. 

We love our sports. We may not know much of American history or politics, but we know who scored the first touchdown in Super Bowl I or what was the score in World Series Game 3 in 1962. The rest of us are busy playing golf, hockey, Packman etc. on our video sets. Kids to grandparents play Mafia war on our television sets. We wage war on strangers, amass billions of phony dollars and have arsenals and soldiers. We will spend a paltry $19,660,000,000 (19.66 billion) on video games in 2010.

If you see us in commuter trains, guys are most likely to be reading the sports pages of newspapers and magazines. Girls and women will be absorbed in steamy-sex novels put forth steadily by same authors.

We watch our diets carefully. We work out in the gymnasium strenuously. Then we go home to drink four beers, a 16-ounce steak with mashed potatoes, butter and thick gravy. We drink a lot of sugar-rich soda. And we top off dinner with a big scoop of ice cream. And some cookies before we retire to bed.

Many of us chew gum all the time. Of course it is not the same piece of gum. The gum is renewed often. Some of us blow bubbles with bubble gum.

Most of us are content with our pint glasses of beer costing about $3 in our local gin mills. Then again some of us order Chateau Haut Brion (1989) wine costing $ 2100 a bottle. The ordering is done casually.

Some of us wear three piece brand name suits. The rest of us walk around in jeans and T-shirts. The T-shirts usually have our football or baseball team player’s numbers and names. Some wander with shorts and Hawaiian bright shirts

Some of our door men in posh condominiums or expensive apartment houses in New York City look like admirals. Only things missing is fruit salad (the ribbons and medals).

Some of our young men have very long hair like girls. They wear necklaces and have pierced ear rings. Viewed from the back, you cannot determine the sex.

You can spot an American woman anywhere. She wears so much perfume that you can smell her a thousand feet away. The rich girl has an expensive Gucci hand bag. Inside, if you dare to look, you will find a hairbrush, hair spray, a pocket mirror, several shades of lipstick, hand lotion, eye drops, eyebrow pencil, a billfold for paper money, perfume bottle, change purse, credit card case, check book, I-pod/I-phone, bottle of water, box of tissues, several fashion magazines, book she is reading or an e-book, mail, sandwich, candy, stress pills, fancy work shoes, a steamy-sex novel and a set of car and home keys.  She is always wearing Gucci sunglasses either in her eyes or her hair. She is constantly choosing her songs in the I-pod. When she is not playing with her I-pod, she is texting on her cell phone. When she has a little time she reads a few pages of the steamy-sex novel in an e-book. The average girl just doesn’t have the Gucci stuff.

You can also find her toying with her hair. And most of the times she is applying lotions on her hands. Mother nature gave us pores in our skin so that the skin breathes and remains healthy when you block the pores with lotion and powder, the skin deteriorates.

Watch her. When she is finished reading with a newspaper, she wipes her fingers with another lotion. She does not want the black ink of the newspaper on her fingers.

We refuse to walk. We drive two blocks away from where we live to buy newspapers and cigarettes.
We have drive-in movies, drive-in windows at banks and fast food joints, ferries and even churches. Pretty soon we will be driving in our golf courses. Not with electric golf carts, but in our cars.

When we go to a shopping mall, we like to park in the first row, closest to the mall. We circle around ten times for an empty spot to open up. If that don’t happen we curse and try the second row.

We are a push button society. Our grandparents and parents had to walk to the television sets to change channels or adjust controls. Now we do with a remote push button remote. They rolled down car windows with cranks. We do it with push buttons. We even have push buttons to adjust our car seats.

We are a throw-away society. We have the luxury of throw-away cameras, hibachis and even suits. What next? throw-away brides?

We talk loud. Our tales are big. The flukes we catch are 48 inches long. The blue fish we catch are really baby sharks.

We are a very proud people. Even the beggar in New York City does not beg. He demands with a line “gimme a dollah man.”

We always keep up with the Joneses, our neighbors. If they put up a satellite dish, buy a new car or install an in ground swimming pool, we have to do the same. We don’t like any stranger saying “how come these people can’t keep up with the Joneses?”   

We are very brave people. We kill grazing deer 300 yards away with our high-powered rifles and night vision equipment.

Our thirst for knowledge has no bounds. A book titled ‘How to boil water?’ is available for  $ 16.47. Another titled ‘1001 Beers You Must taste Before You Die’ sells for $24.39 in the United States. There are hundreds of books for Dummies.

One night class ‘Extra-Luscious Vegan Cupcakery’ is offered by The National Gourmet Institute for only $110.

Do we have taste! At Alinea in Chicago a small piece of tempura-dipped pheasant is served on a branch of oak leaves. They are reminding us about fall. Whipped Lightning is an alcohol infused drink with whipped cream. Our kids are crazy about it. 

We are dreamers and strivers. We dream of large houses, fat pay checks, beautiful women with big breasts and long vacations. We strive to gain all these with minimum effort.

We are true innovators. We invented sod so that our lawns are always green. We can reverse time also. Superman reversed time to bring back the life of his dead girl friend, Lois Lane. In Back to the Future, our heroes go back and forward of time in a car. Many books say that gun powder was invented in China. They are wrong. It was invented in our own Hoboken. Same thing with rockets-Germans did not develop them. We have been shooting rockets into space every July 4 in our country. What do the Japanese know about building aircraft carriers? When they bombed Pearl Harbor, they took pictures of our carriers and copied them. If you are wondering about how the Japanese bombers got here and back, the answer is very simple. They used gliders not needing any fuel. All the newspaper accounts and photographs were fudged up. Even the concept of Internet is the brainchild of our ex-vice president Al Gore!

We have our own language unique to America. Almost 5000 words or expressions are presented at the book. It is called ‘New American Language’ .

We have the smartest politicians and military leaders in the world. They gave extremely sophisticated money bill technology to the Shah of Iran when he was our friend. When he was overthrown, the technology fell into the hands of Ayatollah Khomeni and his fundamentalist Muslims.

Now we know that our politicians and military leaders are giving away vast sums of money to our ‘ally’ Pakistan whose intelligence agency uses the money to train our enemy, the Taliban, to kill American soldiers.
We are great at paperwork reduction. Here is the proof.

Year,  Act Passed,   No. of Pages
1914,  Law creating Federal Trade Commission,  8 Pages
1935, Social Security Act, 28 Pages
2010, Financial Reform Bill,  2319 Pages
2010, Health Reform Bill,  More than 2500 Pages

We wonder which senator or congressman has the time and patience to read the modern 2000 plus page bills. Logic says that the bills are never fully read and understood. Yet they are passed and signed into law.

When computers and e-mail became common during the latter part of last century, experts predicted that paper will be replaced. In reality it has increased paper use. Everybody wants a print out. Everybody wants a hard copy.

We care about our precious trees and some of us got money to burn.  We burn $ 110 billion of new $100 bills because of defects in printing. That is 1,100,000,000 pieces of printed paper with chemicals in them. And someone pays $10.3 million for a single book, John James Audobon’s Birds of America.

We are clutterers. We love junk. Just come to our attics and take a look at what we accumulate. Baseball cards, bicycles, all kinds of coins, beer mugs, old pictures, toys and stamps are just a few examples.

Things get done in our country. A piece of mail from California mailed 73 years ago, with a 3 cent stamp, was delivered to Massachusetts in the year 2010. Ponies would have delivered that mail lot faster.

The massive New York City subway system, 229 miles(369 Kilometers) long was built with mostly hand tools in about 35 years. In contrast the new 7 subway extension, only slightly more than 1.32 miles (2.1 kilometers) long was approved in 2007 and is expected to be operational in the year 2013. Two tunnel boring machines using laser technology tracking methods are to be used. The budget for this short extension is $1,145,000,000.

We even have our government for sale. We have about 11,000 lobbyists licensed to operate in our capital Washington, D.C. They lobby for every interest group in the United States. Our spending on lobbyists in 2009 was $3,500,000,000.

 

America
I like to be in America!
O.K. by me to be in America!
Ev’rything free in America
For a small fee in America1
-Stephen Sondheim’s lyrics for a song in the famous film West Side Story

American Man-His Geography

Between birth and 78 years he is like Iran-ruled by a dick.

American Vanity

Two cars, a Porsche and Ferrari, are stopped at a red light.
The owner of the Porsche lowers the window and asks the other guy “I have video graphics
and GPS. Do you have it?”
“Yes” said the owner of the Ferrari.
At the next light the conversation continued.
“I have laptop connections and a WiFi router. Do you have it?”
“yes”
A little while later the Porsche owner sees the Ferrari on the side of the street. He pulls over next to it and asks “I have a wet bar. Do you have one?”
“Sure I do. Did you have to get me out of the shower just to ask that?” 

***

This successful American lawyer buys a brand new Lamborghini. He parks it right in front of his office so that he could show it off to fellow workers. Just as he is getting our of his invaluable possession a truck loses control and sideswipes him and his car. The door gets ripped off and so is his left arm.
He starts screaming about the damage to his car. A police car stops by and the officer says
“How materialistic you are. Your left arm is gone and you are worrying about your car.”
The lawyer is astounded. He screams even louder “Oh no my Rolex.”

***

An American, and Englishman and an Israeli are flying over the Great Mojave desert in a Learjet.
Englishman says “What a dreadful sight!”
Israeli says “What a place to put an orange orchard!”
American says “Naw, great place for a parking lot.”

American Vanity

When his friend visited him in Texas, the Texan bragged about how big Texas is and how everything is big in Texas. It went on and on.

Now It was the Texan’s time to visit New York. The New Yorker wanted the Texan to learn about humility. So he took him to Niagara Falls. Looking at the massive amount of water the Texan was amazed.
“Is there anything in Texas that matches this?” he asked.
“No” said the Texan “But we got a plumber who can fix this leak” he replied.

***

American Woman-Her Geography

Between birth and 21
She is like Africa, half explored and wild.

Between 21 and 30
She is like the United States, fully developed. She is open to trade to somebody with a lot of money.

Between 30 and 35
She is like India, very hot.

Between 35 and 40
She is like France, aged in grace but still warm.

Between 40 and 50
She is like England, with a glorious past.

Between 50 and 60
She is like Yugoslavia. She has a history of big mistakes, yet firm and strong.

Between 60 and 70
She is like Russia, very wide and open.

After 70
She is like Australia. Everybody knows she is there. Nobody wants to visit though.

***

Her Seven Stages
Baby, Infant, Miss, Young Woman, Young Woman, Young Woman and Young Woman

The American Woman

“It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But….it is better to be good than to be ugly.”
-Oscar Wilde

***

“Too many rings around Rosie
Never got Rosie a ring.”
-Irving Caesar

***

“The less attractive you are in America, the less likely you are to be married and more likely to be poor.”
-Dahlia Lithwick

***

“No woman can be a beauty without a fortune.”
-George Farquhar 1678-1707

***

“You might not be the best lookin’ girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.”

***

An American was walking on the beach in San Francisco and meditating.
All of a sudden he hears a thunderous voice in the sky.
“Son, thank you for thinking of me. What can I do for you?”
He says
“Lord I love Hawaii. But I don’t like waiting at the airports. Moreover I hate being frisked by TSA agents. Can you please build me a bridge to Hawaii? This way I can go and come back at any time without any kind of hassle.”
“Son you know that I can do it. But I have to take all the concrete and steel from your brothers and sisters all over the world. Construction all over the world will come to a standstill. So think about the global suffering and let me know if you still want the bridge.”
The man thinks it over and decides against it.
“Lord I don’t want the bridge. But please explain my wife to me. When she is happy, she cries. When she is sad, she laughs. She says ‘yes’ when she means ‘no’ and says ‘no’ when she means ‘yes’.

There is a brief silence. Then the thunderous voice says
“Son you want the bridge four lane or six lane?”

At The Drive-In ATM

Male customer
1. Drives up to the cash machine
2. Rolls down the car window
3. Inserts card into the machine and enters PIN number
4. Enters amount of cash required
5. Retrieves card, cash and receipt in one effort
6. Rolls up the car window
7. Drives off

Female customer
1. Drives up to cash machine
2. Backs up enough to approximately align car window with the machine
3. Sets parking brake
4. Rolls the window down
5. Finds handbag and dumps its contents on the passenger side to locate the card
6. Turns the radio down
7. Attempts to insert the card into the machine
8. Opens the car door to reach machine due to excessive distance from the car
9. Inserts card
10. Reinserts the card the right way
11. Digs through the handbag to find the scrap of paper with the PIN number
12. Enter PIN number
13. Puts contents back into the handbag
14. Presses cancel and inserts correct PIN number
15. Enters cash amount
16. Checks makeup in rearview mirror
17. Retrieves cash
18. Empties handbag again to find wallet
19. Puts money in the wallet
20. Gets out and picks up the receipt on the floor
21. Places receipt on the back of the checkbook
22. Rechecks makeup again
23. Put contents back into the handbag
24. Closes the door, pulls up the window and fastens seat belt
25. Adjusts belt to prevent wrinkling her dress
26. Releases brakes and drives forward a few feet
27. Backs up to the cash machine
28. Unbuckles, opens door, gets out and retrieves the card
29. Re-empties the hand bag, locates the card holder and places the card
30. Gives angry stare to all the guys waiting patiently behind her
31. Restarts stalled engine
32. Drives two feet, buckles up
33. Turns the radio on
34. Drives off

Baby Photographer

Mr. and Mrs. Jones could not conceive a child after three years of marriage. Mrs. Jones did not want artificial insemination. So Mr. Jones consulted his doctor.
“I know a person who has six kids, one every year” said the doctor “let me talk to him.”

Next day the doctor called Mr. Jones and told him “Please tell your wife to expect the gentleman the following day between 9 and 9:30 A.M.

Mr. Jones kissed his wife good bye. He wished her luck and left for work.

By sheer coincidence a baby photographer was going door to door soliciting business. At 9 A.M he knocked on Mrs. Jones’ door.
“I am here about baby…”He started to speak .
“I know” she said cutting him short “Please come in and have a seat.”
After a minute of silence she asked him “where shall we begin?”
“We can do it anywhere madam” he said “in the kitchen, on the floor, in the shower or even in the garden.”
“In the garden?” she exclaimed “do you like it outdoors?”
“Yes madam” he said “I have done it on top of a bus. Even in the park. Once there were hundreds watching and applauding. I wanted to stop for a while. But the crowd wanted me to keep on going.”
“My God” she said incredulously.
Another minute of silence. Mrs. Jones said “Shall we begin?”
“Certainly madam’ he said “Let me go and get my tripod.”
“A tripod, what for?” she asked.
“Madam my equipment is so big I cannot hold it in my hands. I need a tripod.”
Mrs. Jones fainted.

Bar Jokes

Mike walked into the bar and told Charlie, the bar tender, “Pour me a stiff one. I had a very big fight with the little woman.”
“And how did it end?” inquired the local psychologist.
“When it was over” Mike replied “She was on her hands and knees”
“Vow, that’s great. What did she say?”
“Come out from under the bed, you twat.”

***

Two young ladies are walking pass a bar in Dublin. They notice a drunk sleeping on the bench outside. He is wearing a kilt.

One young lady says “I have always wondered what is under the kilt. Let’s take a look.”
They lift his kilt up. He has no underwear.
“We have to send him a friendly remainder that we looked under his kilt.”
So she takes the blue ribbon from her hair and ties it around the drunk’s penis.
Fifteen minutes he wakes up and goes to the bathroom. He looks and sees the ribbon.
“Don’t know where you have been or what you have done. But you won the first prize” he says to himself.

***

Three friends, German, Italian and Irish, walk into a bar and order pints of beer. The pints are lined up in front of them. Three flies are flying in formation. By sheer coincidence all three flies have heart attacks at the same time. Each pint has a dead fly in it.

The German pushes the pint away and says “No Gut, give a fresh pint.” He gets one.
The Italian asks for a spoon. He scoops the fly with the spoon and puts it on a napkin. Then he proceeds to drink the beer.
The Irishman gently picks the fly by the wings and starts shaking it saying “Spit out my beer you bastard.”

***

An Irishman, a German, an Indian and a Jew are regular patrons in a bar. For years and years the Irishman paid for all the drinks the four of them had at the bar.

One evening the Irishman does not show up. His friends think that may be he has a cold or something. But next evening also he does not show up.

On the third evening a lawyer walks in and sees the three guys. He walks over to them and says “I am sorry to inform you that Mr. Mulligan passed away. He has left all of his money to you three gentlemen. All the money was in his mattress and now it is in my office. You can collect the cash tomorrow morning. Incidentally his wake is tomorrow evening.” He leaves his address and leaves.

The next morning the three go to his office and collect their inheritance of $ 300,000 each.
They attend the wake and pay respects. They end up in the bar.

The German says “I felt very bad at the wake. Mulligan paid for us all these years and even in death he took care of us. So I slipped $50,000 under his body at the wake.”
The Indian exclaims “I did the same thing. I slipped $25,000 under his body.”

“You cheap bastards” chides the Jew “I gave him all the money back. I slipped a check for
$ 300,000 under his body.”

 

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