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CHAPTER 1

Sid knew he’d to take this job abroad, despite leaving his little girl behind, otherwise he’d go mad. How much more of this could he take before he totally cracked and did something to her he’d regret for the rest of his life. How was he to tell her, yet he was sure he had to get away if their marriage was to have any chance of survival. He knew there’d be tears and arguments when he made his announcement, but it must be worth it for nine months of peace. He could take no more of it. Yet in a way he did still have some feelings for her even if it wasn’t strong passionate love. Maybe when he came back it would be as it was at the beginning, this was an opportunity to give them that much needed space they both needed to evaluate their feelings for each other. He gave a cynical laugh, how often had he heard it said look at the mother before marrying the daughter, because this is what your future wife will be like in twenty years. He should have taken heed. No this business trip couldn’t have come at a more opportune moment in his life.

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Even when he stood on the doorstep, all those years ago back in 1941, and he’d first met her ma he’d sensed a certain selfishness and remoteness about her. It seemed to be more than grief for the death of her first born son. Yes, even after a few hours in her company he’d become certain she’d been like this before the sad news of John’s death. On the other hand there’d been part of her character that he’d been taken with and he’d felt sorry for her because of her recent loss. It wasn’t that she was unkind or rude to him, in fact he couldn’t have had a better welcome into the family but he always sensed an underlying current of discontent oozed from her with what life had thrown at her.

It had been very hard to keep his promise to John to come and see his family and tell them the horrific details of his death. He still had nightmares about when the bombed dropped from the skies and that crater opened up and just took him into it alive before anybody had a chance to save him. One minute he was there the next his friend had gone for good and Sid stood there in total shock and helpless to do anything about it. In a strange way he felt to blame that he hadn’t saved his friend, but he’d been told often enough there was nowt he could have done but he was sure that nightmare would stay with him the rest of his days.

He’d been easily distracted from these thoughts, that still brought him out in a cold sweat, as this wonderful girl walked into the room. She seemed so kind and gentle as she fell over backwards to please her mother. Yet the more she did for her mother the more she seemed to want from her daughter. There seemed a hidden resentment coming from her mother, but Sid could never understand why. But all this had taken it’s toll over the years and that quiet mild girl had turned into a shrew.

On that first meeting Sid wasn’t to know this. She’d given him a glowing smile and he still remembered stuttering and stammering like some love struck school boy as he told her the reason for his visit to their home. “I was a close friend of your brother, John, and he asked me if anything did happen to him to come and see his family, so here I am. You’re ma has kindly invited me to stay for tea and afterwards I’m going to tell the rest of your family all I know about John and sadly about his death. Join in with us if you want.”

She gave him a shy smile as she answered walking out of the room, “Aye I’d like that. I’ll just go and get changed out of my work clothes.”

He’d had a pleasant evening with her family and was more than delighted when her mother suggested he stay the night. He quite surprised himself, when he accepted the kind offer, because since the death of John and the start of the nightmares he’d been very wary where he slept, he didn’t want to wake others up with his screams of anguish. But he was instantly besotted and was prepared to do anything to prolong his time with her even if it did mean embarrassing himself. What an irony that was now he thought about it when his most desired wish was to get away from her.

His loins still felt the heat go to them in remembrance of that next morning walking her to the bus stop and the letters he received from her. Knowing she was there waiting for him had made his determination increase to make sure he came home in one piece from the war. He’d seen her on each leave and their love for each other had rapidly grown. In one of her early letters to him she’d sent a photograph of herself and he’d kept it close by during all the action. He felt this had been his good luck mascot.

He remembered his deep pang of jealousy when she’d had a few days away with a girl friend and they went to Morecambe. He was so obsessed with her he was frightened that with her only seeing him so briefly when he was on leave, she would soon find somebody else to give her affections to. But his nerves would calm when sense took over and he realised there wasn’t many young men left back at home for her to meet.

Now he knew he should have recognised some of the signs of her discontent with her life’s lot from the letters but they say none is as blind as those in love. Somehow or other she’d always to mention health even if it was just the opening of the letter, “I am just writing a few lines hoping that you are keeping in the best of health,” or if not asking about his health then mentioning her own. Why should a young woman be so concerned with health, she should have been more concerned that he was missing her and still had his love for her.

They couldn’t spend a lot of time alone when he was on his leave, and most of it was spent in the picture houses. It seemed one of Martha’s main interest to know all the details of any forthcoming films and she’d derived a great enjoyment in writing in vivid detail telling him as much as she knew about them. Her usual closing comment was, “I’ve heard it is a good picture at the Odeon, so we will go there on Saturday night, that’s if you want to go.” Really he should have noticed the slight selfishness already showing through in the way this was written, his own opinion only taken on as an after thought.

Once he was demobbed he couldn’t really understand himself, before he knew where he was he was proposing, yet he’d never had marriage on his agenda, certainly not until he was a lot older. It wasn’t that he didn’t love her, he did but he just felt after all the years fighting he needed to see more of life before settling down. The minute the words were out, “Will you marry me?” he wondered what he’d gone and done, but he’d no time to ponder as Martha threw her arms around him exclaiming, “Yes, oh yes.”

In her next sentence she confirmed his worst fears, “Let’s go and tell mum and dad now.”

“Hey hold on, what’s the big rush.”

“I’m just so happy, I want all the world to know.”

Sid decided there was no harm in talking to her parents, after all it wasn’t as if they would be able to wed soon. He’d no intention of living in a rented house, no his own home was for him, from the very start. He thought to give her warning of this, “Look Martha I hope you do realise it’ll be quite a while before I’ve got the money together for the deposit on our own home. It might be years.”

“I know that but if we’re engaged somehow that’ll make all the wait worth while. I’m only sorry I won’t be able to save a lot but you know how things are with ma and my money.”

Aye, he knew well enough. Here he did feel sorry for her as she’d to tip all her wages up to her mother only to be given back a basic amount for spending money. It was a shame because he knew the lass was a grafter and well earned her wages.

It rather shocked him how pleased her parents seemed at the good news, he’d rather expected her mother to want to hang on to her at home, if only for the money she brought in. He was also aware she helped a lot more around the home than that no good for sister of hers that was always making silly eyes at him. As if she’d interest him. He was sorry to say but she was already turning into a trollop. A shame really because it was a good family she came from even if their mother was a bit on the cold side with her feelings.

Much to his relief life settled down relatively well after the engagement, as both of them were so busy one way and another they usually only met on a Saturday afternoon and evening. Their only other communication during the week being a weekly letter.
After the war Martha had moved back into the burling and mending and as she was on piece rate often worked late to earn extra money. This seemed to be one of her main sources of interest in her letters, detailing how work had gone, how her health was going and what was on at the pictures. At the time Sid was glad enough to read them but when he happened to come across them many years later and read them once more he realised how devoid of passion they were as he read the words,

Dear Sid

Here I am writing a few lines to let you know that I am keeping in the best of health and I hope that you are keeping well. How are you going on at work, are you busy? We have been busy at work this week and the pieces seem to be getting worse. In fact Edna and me have been thinking about trying for our releases but we can’t think what to put on them, so it looks as if we shall have to stay for the time being.

Have you decided which pictures we are going to see on Saturday, we did say the Odeon as we thought it would be good. Anyway I am going to be generous this week and let you choose. Well Sid the week so far has passed quick, I’m hoping the rest of the week passes as quick and then it will soon be Saturday. Well I think this is all the news till Saturday so I remain

Yours with love

Martha xxxxxxxx

That was it then, no real depth of conversation as if they were two people in love due to be married shortly and his life had continued in that vein with Martha. He’d never really got inside her head to know what went on. Their engagement plodded on well enough and he was quite relieved that Martha seemed content with an odd kiss and cuddle and a bit of petting when they got the chance. He didn’t know what was wrong with him but something inside himself seemed to hold him back wanting to go all the way. Maybe he was just undersexed or maybe his feelings for Martha had never been deep enough to arouse total emotion in him. Martha always held him at arms length and had stated quite clearly early on in their relationship that she would stay a virgin until the day she married. She was not risking her mother’s wrath if anything went wrong. That was all right by him, he didn’t want to be trapped in that way either.

So their engagement plodded on at a steady pace and unbeknown to Martha during the week he managed to grab any opportunity he could for a night out as an unattached bloke. At the same time he was also studying for a HNC as he had no intention of being tied to the work shops all his married life. No, he’d ambitions and he fully intended to make something of his life.

It came rather like bolt out of the blue after two years of engagement, with his savings only mounting up slowly, that his parents suddenly announced their intention to put a deposit on a house for them so they could get their wedding day arranged and booked. To refuse would have been churlish and in any case as he was engaged he could hardly get out of the final step of getting wed. Giving a weak smile he looked at his parents, “Thanks, I’ll tell Martha the good news this week-end.”

“Aye you do that lad and happen you can start getting yourselves sorted at looking at houses.”

He knew as soon as he told Martha she was delighted by this news despite always denying she was in any rush to be wed. Her mother was different, she didn’t seem none too pleased that she was going to have to put her hand in her pocket for a wedding but luckily for them the grandpa offered to pay for the reception so they could have the best.

He was pleased with the house they’d finally settled on with his parents approval. It was a small stone built terrace house, with a little front garden and back yard. It had a lounge, kitchen, two bedroom and even the luxury of an inside bathroom then finally an attic. Both families were generous enough in pooling their resources and coupons to get the house in order and the basic requirements for it.

The only fly in the ointment was the fact his parents insisted the house be in his name only. He could understand their motives, even if he didn’t fully agree with them himself. He gave a rueful laugh wondering if they had been more astute than him and even, at that early stage, understood her true personality.

Maybe he should have seen more himself as Martha let out a petulant, “Why can’t my name be on the deeds, after all we will be man and wife.”

He did his best to make light of it seeing the situation could easily get out of hand, “You know what parents are like with their old fashioned views. I think my mum and dad’s house has always been just in his name so he thinks it should be the same for me.” He kept his fingers crossed behind his back that Martha wouldn’t go as far as to question his parents if this was really the case as he’d only said it in an attempt to defuse the situation. After a few more moans of discontent over their actions, during the next few weeks, she gradually seemed to accept it and no more was said on the topic for many years to come.

Martha’s Aunt Annie, who she’d always been close to, had been her usual useful self in making the bridesmaid dresses in a turquoise material and Martha herself looked a picture as she came down the aisle. Aye that day he felt right proud of her and on that important day in her life she’d a true look of contentment on her face and it was hard to believe she would be any other than that for the rest of her life.

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