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Josh Baum
Synopsis
Alas, poor Shakespeare, we knew him well but not exactly in a way we used to. If Will was with us today I think he’d feel duty bound to reflect life as it really is in the 21st century; living, as he would be, on the front line in Stratford upon Avon with his fit bitch Ann Hathaway.
However, nowadays Shakespeare isn’t as cool as he used to be because a lot of people think he’s boring and lacks street cred. Perhaps. But if the Bard was living today I reckon he’d say “Am I bovvered?” After all, for a man accredited with the greatest literature ever written, what would he have to prove?
No, if William Shakespeare was of this age I am certain that he would still be writing in the Globe turf, getting loads of respect from the Stratford upon Avon massive and producing works of pure genius like ‘Romeo and His Fit Bitch Jools’, ‘De Taming of de Bitch’, ‘Macbeff’ and ‘Two Geezas of Verona’.
However, for all the purists reading this brief introduction I would just like to say that this abridged collection of some of Shakespeare’s finest work has been mindful to stay true to the original format by retaining all the important sexist, duplicitous, cross-dressing and violent moments that made William Shakespeare well wicked.
Respect
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ALL'S SWEET THAT ENDS SWEET, INNIT
Helena was de orphaned bitch of de well famous quack doctor who, with de geeza called Bertram and his Countess muvva, had been living in de Rossillion turf forever.
Although they had been well full of respect for each other, over de years, Helena had been falling for Bertram big time and wanted to get all jiggy jiggy with him. Bertram, though, being de all macho geeza, didn't really care coz he fought she was well minging. But his muvva, on de other hand, quite liked de idea of Helena becoming her son's bitch.
But true lurv was dealt de cruel blow when de King of France geeza was taken all deathly ill in Froggyland and without de moment of hesitation, Bertram decided to go to de King in de Paris ghetto leaving Helena all Billy No Mates. However, coz she was de daughta of dis well famous but dead quack doctor, she fought she could do somefing to help.
So unknown to Bertram, Helena followed him finking that she might be able to come up with de special cure for de King geeza - which amazingly she does! And all coz she was de daughta of de well famous but dead quack doctor, innit.
Well, as de King geeza is well chuffed with de bitch for saving his life, and as de sign of his respect for coming up with de cure for not being all dead, he gives her some well cool bling for her finger and tells de bitch that she could get all jiggy jiggy with one of de palace posse.
Dis was brilliant for Helena. Coz as Bertram was dere in de palace, she went all girl power and picked him ahead of all de others who was all ready, waiting and gagging for it. Bertram, on de other hand, was not. Alright, so Helena saved de King from being all stiff but even so, he still fought she was de first class minger who was stalking de crap out of him, innit.
But unfortunately for Bertram, it didn't matter what he wanted coz what de King geeza said de King geeza got, which was well bad news for him. Coz as de King geeza had made de promise to Helena for saving his life, he ordered Bertram to marry de bitch and there wasn't nuffing he could do about it. He was well screwed.
Realising he had no choice he said "Aiii", and in de moment of cunning and cowardly brilliance, Bertram legged it off to Tuscany to fight in de war. So you could say that given de circumstances, Bertram preferred to make war and not lurv, innit.
Unaware that she had been shafted big time, de dim Helena returned to de Rossillion ghetto assuming that Bertram was gonna follow, but it soon became clear that her man had other ideas, de swine. Then, acting all smug and macho, he sends word to de confused little bitch saying that he wouldn't allow her to call him her sugar daddy until not only had she got his bling off his finger, but also got herself up de duff with de nippa. This, of course, was impossible coz Bertram was in de Italy turf which was too far away for them to do it togevva, which was exactly de way he wanted it.
Finally realising that he was messing with her, Helena decides to do somefing about de situation by finding out where Bertram was and following de lurv rat in de cunning disguise of de pilgrim. Eventually getting all de way to de Florence ghetto, Helena bunks in with de widow and her daughta, Diana, who, by some strange twist of fate, was de well fit babe what Bertram wanted to bone like crazy.
Well, it isn't long before Helena and Diana start yakking to each other and when they discovered what Bertram had been doing behind Helena's back, they both decided to teach de scumbag de huge lesson for doing de cruel fing by playing with all dere girlie emotions.
So without getting too bitter and twisted, Helena told Diana to go for it girlie girl and accept Bertram's offer of de big bone. However, she also told her that before they get all touchy feely with each other, Diana must get Bertram to give her his finger bling.
So de scene was set for Bertram to get his rocks off with Diana but when de candle was snuffed out and everywhere was filled with black, fings were about to go de shape of de pear for de two-timing sucker.
Coz as he was about to get all jiggy with her, Diana and Helena changed places and in his lurved up state, Bertram couldn't even tell which bitch was which even when they were doing it togevva. And to finally stick it to Bertram, Helena managed to swop de finger bling what de geeza King had given her for Bertram's, which was well cool of de scheming little minx.
But, perhaps, de real act of screwing with Bertram's head was de untrue rumour of Helena's death which suddenly started spreading round de hood. Everyone was yakking about it but Bertram wasn't bovvered coz he reckoned that as he never wanted de bitch anyway, and as de bitch was all dead, he was off de hook which was well cool. And coz he was so pleased that everyfing had worked out so well, Bertram legged it back to Froggyland as happy as anyfing, innit.
Sometimes, though, life has de way of getting even coz de King of France geeza recognised de bling Bertram was wearing on his finger coz it was de exact same bit of bling what he gave Helena, which meant that de scumbag was well in de poo. Bertram was busted and he knew it when de King geeza arrested him on de suspicion of doing Helena in.
Dis was de crappy situation and just when Bertram fought that it couldn't get worse for him it did, when Diana and her manky widow muvva come to de palace and pointed de finger of blame at him which was not de good fing for Bertram and he knew it, especially when out of de blue Helena appeared. Not only was de bitch still breathing and wearing Bertram's bling on her finger, but she's also got his sprog in de tummy.
And so de truth was out but all was not lost coz suddenly realising de error of his ways, Bertram apologises for being de well stupid muppet and declares his undying lurv for de Helena bitch, which was well good coz everyfing was now cool in de hood.
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TV appearances -
BBC Breakfast Saturday 26th April
BBC Scotland Friday 25th April
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BBC World Service Friday 25th April
BBC Radio Cambridgeshire Monday 30th April
Radio New Zealand - Monday 30th April
BBC Three Counties Radio - Tuesday 6th May
Territories Radio (Darwin Australia) - Saturday 3rd May
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